Falling in love can be one of the most magical experiences we have as human beings. That initial phase of getting to know someone, their likes and dislikes, their quirks, their patterns and history. It can feel like opening and reopening of a gift many times. Feeling vulnerable and opening up and (even when you’re not sure of the other person’s reaction), can feel like a blossoming of your heart and your energy in new and expansive ways. it is exciting, sometimes scary, and hopefully fun and joyful.
Then, if you’re lucky enough to have physical chemistry, there is the passion that can be explored. Anticipation and excitement build over time as trust and intimacy grows. Perhaps it is something that takes time to discover which can make it even sweeter. Time spent together can lead to small touches or embraces which become something to look forward to as the connection deepens.
Communication about a variety of different things can teach us so much about ourselves and the person we are falling for. Maybe through gentle inquiry we are unlocking different parts of ourselves and exploring things that have shifted for us over the years that have not been previously voiced. But as we cultivate this intimacy through sharing, we are able to visit those parts of ourselves in safety and curiosity.
It’s all magical and beautiful, right ?!
It very much is. But also, we don’t talk enough about how falling in love can trigger some of our deepest insecurities, wounds, and beliefs about ourselves. Opening our hearts and our bodies to someone new can be one of the scariest things that we ever do. We might become aware of physical attributes or personality traits we are insecure about. Or we might compare this heart opening to a previous one where we had our heart broken and fear can creep in. There are so many unknowns and variables that go into connecting with someone on this level, that it would make sense that we might be afraid of what is to come.
As someone who has gotten to solidly work on her relationship issues and dynamics for the past eight years, I was very much curious about how I would show up in love. During my single years, a few times I dated people that I might have liked or been attracted to, but no one ever felt like my person. And honestly in eight years, I think the longest I allowed someone to be in my life was like three weeks. I knew what I was looking for and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. Additionally, I also had a lot of previous relationship trauma that I had to work through. So, the Universe probably kept me healing and moving through a variety of experiences and people. During this period of time, I really had to learn to trust men and myself in a new way since I have not always had the best experiences with men in my life. I learned from a variety of sources what I thought men were, and most of them were not pretty. Even though I believe in love, I also had some deep-seated beliefs about men and their ability to be loving, kind, and trustworthy. Even though I knew on some level it was possible, I just hadn’t seen that in my conditioning or my past experiences.
So, I waited, sometimes not so patiently, and I thought I knew what love would look like when it came. Because I am a hard-core romantic, part of me probably expected some story book romance that came in gently and with ease and complete grace. I thought that meeting your other half meant that things would be free of conflict or challenges. Yes, I know I am a naive optimist. But when love started to knock on my door it didn’t look anything like I thought it should or would. To be honest, it can be challenging and confusing, triggering and unsettling. But even through all of these emotions, the reason I have had faith is because it has been beautiful and magical and everything I ever wanted and more. It has given me a new faith in men. It has made me see myself in a different light. It has given me hope and so much more than I ever could have asked for.
So, when I met someone who was kind, vulnerable and sweet I started the journey to falling in love without even realizing it. But so many old fears, insecurities, and beliefs tried to make a reappearance. Anxiety about trusting someone again or opening my heart became a somewhat frequent experience. I started to wonder if the situation was healthy for me because of all of the things I was feeling. In our cancel culture and "trigger warning" society, we are led to believe that if something triggers us, it must be bad. But triggers are just helping us to release old crap that doesn't need to be there anyway.
But all I knew is time and time again I wanted to come back to this person. I wanted to see him smile or hold his hand. I wanted to learn more about him or to share things from our past that have made us into the people we are today. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had someone standing in front of me who is worth the risk of it all going to shit.
So, I'm not saying that if you are seeing red flags or if the situation is unhealthy that you should stick around. Or if the situation isn't what you desire that you shouldn't set boundaries or be cautious. But nothing is perfect, and things are going to come up. It's important to know what is important to you in a relationship so you can communicate and ask for those things and also be willing to do those things for your love interest.
A lot of what causes triggering in partnership is fear that we have that our needs won’t be met, or that we will be burned in the process. We are afraid to start something new that could turn into what our previous relationships did.
Some ways you can support yourself through this transition:
Grounding - come back to your energy as often as possible. Get out into nature, do grounding meditations, do yoga, walk. Just be in your body and your energy field.
Friends - even though it can be fun to spend all your free time with a new person, it's important to still cultivate your friendships and other relationships.
Journal - writing about the things that are coming up for you can give you a judgement free zone to process all the things that are not always meant to be shared with another person.
Therapy or coaching- if you are having things from your past come up or having difficulty moving through things on your own, get support from a therapist or a coach.
Move at a comfortable pace - trying to jump into something too quickly doesn't allow time to build a firm and steady foundation. I know, the endorphins are kicking, and everyone is feeling some kinda way, but you'll probably appreciate it later if you take things slowly.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. and then communicate some more :)
I guess the romantic in me says time and time again, love is worth the risk. Love really does conquer all and dreams can come true. We just have to keep showing up, looking at our shit and continue to put time, energy and effort into it. Then the world is our oyster, and the magic can come on in. So, if things are not easy for you in the love department or you find yourself being triggered, ask yourself – is this person kind, respectful and worth the effort? Do they light up your heart time and time again? Are they consistent and do they prioritize you? Then yea, the triggers are coming up for healing and as time moves on and things are worked through, all will be well. Just remember to have fun during the process. you can only fall in love with that person for the first time, that first time. Enjoy the magic.
Robin.
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